I wonder,

if this is a big mistake to come back to Australia.
365days ago, i was in Seoul at this time, having the warmest winter in my life although it was just -7 in Seoul.
I had to make a stopover in Seoul yesterday. It's cold, and when i was in the Incheon airport, i couldn't stop crying at all.
Actually, i started to cry since i was in the HK airport.

All the memories..... everything, happy ones, sad ones. Every fucking piece of memory is haunting me.

And now i am back to australia, all alone.

And going back to the place where I've met him to spend my x'mas.

Is this a mistake?

Even if i know he is in australia, i couldn't find him......

My heart is torn apart.......

365 days ago

i was in your arms, having the warest winter with you in my life.

and today, i am all alone, with my own tears,
looking at your photos, reading the letters you've written,
reading every message and email you have sent.

haunted by memories

just can't forget the way you look at me, the way u said u love me,
and the love you've given to me.

i am a dead girl.

很難熬的七個月，但故事還未有畫上句號。

是時候了嗎？
原來要畫上句號並不是單單一句「我們完了。」就可以成事。
還要經過多少痛苦的煎熬，眼淚的洗禮？
是否直到一天眼淚不再流，心房麻木的一天，
這個句號方能被畫上？

是固執，是執著，是放不下。
我又何苦要勉強自己？
要我退而求其次，我做不到，亦不可以做得到。
從來我都只要最好的。
要是變了，就不再是自己了。

縱使再痛，縱使眼淚從未停止，
有一些夢是不應該放棄，亦不應被放棄。

有一種痛，是幸福。
因為那種痛是因為有一個你為他可以不顧一切的人存在。
若然那種痛不存在，或許還未有愛過吧。

但今次這種痛，是要把人悄悄的吞噬。
痛得令你什麼都感受不了，痛得令你不能自己。
痛是由於，剩下的，是一個不完整的心。

從認識你那天起，已將心交給你。
你走前，卻偏偏沒有把它完整的奉還。
那片零碎的心，你有好好保管嗎？
我很想你可以快樂，
我付出再多都不緊要，再痛都可以承受。
只要能換取你的快樂，一切都是值得。
你的那片，我一直好好保管。
我會好好保管。

我知道，亦真的明白，你承受的痛不比我少。
這是我最心痛的。
여보  미안해요

********************************************

又回到這個盡頭 我也想再往前走
只是愈看見海闊天空
愈遺憾沒有你分享我的感動

我不是一定要你回來
只是當又一個人看海
回頭才發現你不在
留下我迂迴的徘徊

我不是一定要你回來
只是當又把回憶翻開
除了你之外的空白
還有誰能來教我愛

我不是一定要你回來
只是當又一個人看海
疲憊的身影不是我
不是你想看見的我

我不是一定要你回來
只是當獨自走入人海
除了你之外的依賴
還有誰能叫我勇敢

extracted from 失落沙洲 -- 徐佳瑩

你是最好的

若然有人向你說「你是最好的。」
是幸還是不幸？

曾經以為，有一個人認為你是最好的那會是一種福份。
特別是當那位是你都認為是最好的時候。
但原來，最好的並不是最好。
因為你的好，成為了他的負擔。
因為你的好，他覺得自己太渺小。
因為你的包容，因為你簡單的要求。
他覺得自己欠你太多。
因為你的好，他更覺自己的不足。

最好的，慢慢的不再是最好。

最好的，只變成一個包袱。

縱然你覺得他是最好，卻偏偏因為最好，所以不能成為最好。

最好的，不是應該值得珍惜嗎？
最好的，不是應該值得愛護嗎？

我只想成為被珍惜的那位。

I thought, being naive and simple is the way to happiness.

Being told so many times that I've been too tolerant
I thought that's good, coz that's the way to make you feel happier in life,
if you can accept what the others cannot.
I thought that's good to forgive and leave the history behind,
coz that's how you can have hopes in future, and create a better life.
I thought that's good to accept how the others are different,
Coz that's how you can understand, accept, and appreciate.

I always thought giving can also make me happy, i did most of the time.
But turns out that people are telling me that I am giving too much.
And they cannot take it. It becomes a burden for them.

What is too much?
What is enough?

I used to be so fuxking certain and confident in what I was believing.
But right now, I somehow seem to be waken up, by the reality.
And all in a sudden, I remember what has changed me…
Then I realised, I was living in a paradise, a dream in the last few years.
My best dream ever.

I am alright, but just falling into the annual greatest depression.
Self incongruence, a big one, a real big one.
I am just trying my best to make the people around me happy,
I didn't intend to give them pressure or whatsoever.

But anyway, it turns out that I am wrong….